I work in an industry that often assumes, if not flat out expects, that if you are a part of it, your work should take precedence over your life: all of it.
And when it is not the case, you are viewed by some - or most - of your coworkers as lazy, lacking ambition, not devoted enough... It doesn't matter if you are a fantastic worker. If you go above and beyond to help out or be a team player. If you always have a smile on your face and never fail to do what needs to get done.
I was raised by people who taught me the value of hard work. As a result, I have always had a very strong work ethic. Finding myself in this line of work was a bit like adding insult to injury.
I fell right into it's trap. I never questioned the long hours, or the bad pay. I always justified that if I was working hard, and doing something that I loved, then it must be worth it, or at least ok. I never wondered if it was right or wrong. It was just the way that it was.
Then one day, life changed it's course and blessed me with an injury that made working those hours extremely painful, and sometimes impossible if not under the influence of pain medication. And I started to wonder if all of this actually makes any sense. Should it really be, that in order to pursue the work that you love, you must deprive yourself of all other pleasures and even basic care? Does that really make any sense? How is that even sustainable? If you keep overworking yourself, and hurting your body, without ever giving anything back to it by the time you're 40, you won't even be able to work anymore!
And in my case, what is the point of giving myself wholeheartedly to a profession that I know I will not be able to keep doing for much longer?
There are some people, who choose their career over their personal life. Others, choose their personal life over their work. Then there are those blessed few, that either out of sheer luck, or valiant effort, find the perfect balance between both.
No one is right, no one is wrong. We are not better, and they are not worse.
You go to work, you punch in, you do your job. You do it well, you do it right, and you take pride in it. But when the time rolls around, you punch out and you are done. You call your man, you text your mom, you go to yoga or walk your dog. You meet a friend for dinner, you volunteer, you go spend time outside. You live your life. You enjoy your home. You go to a movie, or an art show. You read a book or cook some dinner. They watch you, and although they secretly envy you, they judge you. You must not be committed enough to your career. You just don't have enough passion. You arent' ambitious enough to push yourself further.
On the other side of the coin, you watch them, and feel sorry, for they expend all of their energy on work. They neglect friends, family, lovers... They neglect their home, they don't have any pets, their fridge is empty, and worse of all, they neglect themselves.
Sure, they are climbing to the top of the mountain, sometimes at an impressive speed. They are being showered with awards, recognitions, promotions, and often, financial rewards. You keep walking a straight line, learning, growing, evolving, but not really making any tangible progress as far as the career path is concerned.
But at the end of the day, or the week, you are less tired. You enjoy better health, you have more people who have your back, and more love and laughter to rejoice in and spread. You are not better, they are not worse.
It's just a matter of which side of the coin means more to you. What do you want to see in the fabric of your life when you are looking back on it?
Ultimately, the ideal, is to join those who have found the balance. However, this is sometimes easier said than done.
Working in this industry after my injury, has made me realize that I don't want to do this forever. I always remind my coworkers that "first and foremost we are humans" and sometimes, in this line of work, people are treated in a way that does not necessarily respect that statement.
I want to work in an environment that respects the fact that it doesn't matter how hard we try, most of us can't leave our problems at home. I want to work somewhere where we can be as committed to our work as we are to our lives, and where most of my coworkers understand and agree with that mindset. I want to work somewhere where the first thing you hear when you get in is "Hi, how are you today?" and where you can catch up on what you did over the weekend while working.
I want to be on the side of the coin that spends time with their loved ones, that has weekends off to go on little getaways, that has energy to do something fun on their days off.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe that it is possible to achieve this environment in this industry, and had it not been for my injury, I would still consider finding or creating that place where the passion for the craft and the respect for the worker can coexist. But the truth of the matter is, when my leg hurts everyday, and I have to stand for a living, with no option of sitting down, at any point during my work day or anytime soon, I am forced to reevaluate my situation.
But then again, how do I switch it up? I have been doing this for 12 years now. I have a fantastic resume. I am good at it. I enjoy it (well, I enjoy most of it... Not so much the insane hours, or the mediocre pay but everything else yes...). How do I dive in to the unknown? How do I face my fear of failure? How do I even make the transition? Who will hire me with no experience at doing anything else? And what if I miss the industry? What if I am suffering from a classic case of "the grass is always greener"?
The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's just like diving into the ocean, or a river or a lake... The water might be cold, or murky. My skin might tighten up as soon as my feet get wet, and I might consider for a moment that I should just lay in the sun instead. But I don't. I force myself past that initial uncomfortable feeling, because I know it will be worth it. I force myself to get in the water, even thought I am not sure what else is in it. And when I find myself submerged in it, swimming freely and playfully, I forget how hard it was to get in. There is nothing as wonderful as swimming in a natural body of water. Communing with nature in such an intense way that you almost forget where you are, while at the same time being more present and aware of your surroundings than at any other point in that day.
So, this year, I vow to myself that I will make that change... I will slowly enter the cold water, even if my entire body hurts when I submerge myself past my belly button. I will dive in, even if I am terrified at who or what I might encounter on the other side. Because the truth of the matter is, life is too short to work only for my days off.
And if I fail? "On I will go, though the weather be fowl...Onward up many a frightening creak, though my arms may get sore and my sneakers may leak..."
The grass is greener where you water it, and my arms can no longer reach to water my current lawn (and I can't afford to buy a hose!) So, I must move on to a smaller patch...And I must believe, that just as I was able to water this one and keep it green and alive for this long, I will be able to care for this next one, and watch it grow into a lush, beautiful lawn, for many years to come...
